Thursday, July 28, 2011

Don't think I can do it

Let's see ... in less than a week Aidan will turn 18. And in less than a month he will be officially off to college.

And I don't think I can do this.

I thought maybe it would help that he's had a full-time job this summer, so instead of being here with me all day every day all summer, it's been more like the daytime period will be when he's at college. Except that I know he's coming home in the evening, and I know he'll be sleeping in his bed each night.

I had a hard time when he went for Freshman Orientation and was gone two nights. I used it as a practice run for the Fall ... and I didn't like it! It just seems so wrong that suddenly we're down to ONE room in the house being occupied with family at night (if you don't count the cats). It feels empty and sad and ... yeah, wrong.

It doesn't help that I'm having the mother of all mid-life crises. I can't write, and I don't want to scrap, I'm stuck with this stupid neck brace, and I'm bored out of my skull all day, every day. I don't have much stamina, and don't have the health to work or volunteer anywhere right now (took a shopping trip to Target yesterday to buy all Aidan's dorm bedding, and it nearly killed me). And I am feeling old (I'll turn 49 in December), and just don't see what the purpose of my life will be once Aidan's gone off to college. I know he'll still need his mom "out there" in his life, but my days of constant, active mothering will be over.

One could argue that those were over once he went to 1st grade and didn't need me every second of the day, but those of you who know understand that, just because your kid isn't at home doesn't mean you're not still mothering in some way. I guess I'll still be doing that to a point even after he's off at UT, but this is a MAJOR "letting go" and I need to keep that in mind. No more e-mail monitoring, or computer activity monitoring. None of that.

And Aidan and I are so close. He'll be sitting there on his computer and start laughing, and I know that's my cue to ask, "What?" And then he'll tell me something funny he just read or watched. He's done that constantly his whole life ... hopefully that means he'll miss me when he's sitting in his dorm or at the library reading XKCD comics or looking at I Can Has Cheezburger or something, and he'll want to share it with me and the only way he can do it will be via facebook or Twitter, no eye contact, no hearing Mom laugh. (Darned tears!!)

So, no, I'm not ready for this, and I won't ever be, and I hate it.

And one day he's going to want to go to JAPAN, and what will I do then??

Ugh. Lord Jesus, You can come back now. The sooner the better. Please.